I’m pissed-off that I wake up with such a debilitating throbbing, pounding headache right across my forehead, just above my eyes, along with the feeling of an excessive pressure behind my eyes with something trying to bull-doze my eyes out of their sockets while another force tries to bull-doze them back in. Even a tiny flicker of daylight is like being poked in the eyes with needles so I am obliged to keep them fast shut.

The burning pain spreading out from my nose under my eyes radiates into my ears like ear-ache makes me want to rip my face apart in hope of letting the pain escape.. It is as though my entire head is exploding over and over showing no signs of ending any time soon. I can barely raise my head when my PA arrives with two paracetamol which I know won’t do much but I can’t take Ibuprofen till I eat but I can’t even sit up so I won’t be having breakfast any time soon!

The chilled eye mask doesn’t give much relief as it is on ire in no time soaking up  the intense heat from my body. I feel I’m on fire. It is 10.30am when I finally make it up for breakfast. The intensity of my facial pain is so grave that I can’t think and it takes all my energy to cope with the pain and take forever to finish brakfast.

I have so much to get on with but all I manage is to take a few photos of the ‘locked-in’ sculpture needed to record progress. This takes two hours because my body is only responding at a snail’s pace.

This shouldn’t be happening,   I’m only 35 and many old age pensioners have health enough to do more than I can and that is just not right. I ought to be working and paying my taxes to support the OAP not depending on others’ taxes to enable me to live. It is though I consist of a young head on old granny shoulders/I have the body of an old grannie and the mind of a much younger body. I feel I am a young woman imprisioned in an old grannie’s body, and thus deprived of my free-will to live the life of the younger woman that I am. have so much needing doing and to be getting on but own again my physical body lets me down and prevents me acting on my will and determination to finish the sculpture and work on setting up ‘Lifeline Support’.

It’s so frustrating that just doing the everyday living tasks such as food shopping and walking the dog, that most do on top of paid work and pursuing their interests, is enough to floor me, forcing me to lie down before I fall down my body is so unstable and weak from the extent of the electrical shock like pain that zaps my every cell on the right side of my body. What is even more annoying is that the pain doesn’t ease on giving in and lying down. No, it continues to rage and no amount of trying can I fall asleep as my body cries out for and needs but doesn’t get, instead I am forced to live every moment of my dire pain with no luck that sleep will bring me the escape I so need from what must feel like to be continuously zapped with a tazer gun.

It’s so not fair that I have no physical or mental capacity to venture on with the numerous projects that I so passionately want to push on with.

Should I let complete go of control of the food shopping, handing it over to my PAs while I focus on my interests but then I won’t get the rewards on my Partnership card and the money off vouchers in exchange as I am not going to give my PAs my PIN. How can I tell them what fish I want when that decision usually depends on what fish is on offer that day? Are PAs going to take the care to choose the freshest of the fish, chicken, fruit and vegtables and what if what I request is not there they aren’t going to know what to substitute it with and so end up without anything?

Would online be the answer but I found it took longer online but if I saved my shopping to favourites would that take the hasstle of searching every time? But would delivery cost be more than cost of my petrol, especially as I would be driving by the shops to get to chiro anyhow? Again could I trust the staff choosing my order? Probably less than my PAs I reckon!

And now I need to crash once more


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