Fit for Nothing

Saturday 18/5/13 – fit for nothing

By 1pm the nerve pain is so heightened it takes my everything to force my body out to take Daithí for a walk. On returning home and irrigated my non-functioning bowel and crash on the sofa.

Pain so intensely burning and issuing the right side of my body with repetitive electric shocks I am unable to fall asleep even though my body longs for sleep and my mind is in agreement, desperate to be free of this curs’id pain. I am in such turmoil that I want to rip my right side clean off and purge me of the dreadful pain. I wonder if I had the left side of my brain cut away would it make the pain cease as in the end it is the brain that registers the pain?

I have so much to do with the exhibition only a few weeks away and I need to critique the 6 reports from Hyde Martlet and return my feedback by Sunday night, as I will be at the enterprise training Monday. But no amount of will-power or self motivation can force my body into action. I may just face it – the right side of my body it temporarily paralysed by the nerve pain and each time I try to get up from lying down nothing happens – I am stuck here for what feels like eternity and I don’t know when it will end as it is not that I can pop some painkillers and wait for their action to kick in. No I might as well take smarties as painkillers – at least I would enjoy the taste!

Is it not punishment enough to feel as though you are sitting on live wire being electrically shocked every waking moment, while also contending with a severely disfunctioning gut that every time food enters it goes into a frenzy of spasms that feel as though someone is inside you ringing out your gut like a dish cloth, along with reflux, heartburn and nausea meaning forcing down food when your gut is rebelling and telling you it wants to throw up but knowing you must ignore the severe nausea and gut spasming reaction to food or else you will wither away and die, without being punished further by this government for not being well enough to work by cutting a quarter of your annual tax benefit that you must find from your measly incapacity benefit and Disability Living Allowance, supposedly to fund the extra cost of living with chronic ill-health and impairment when in reality you must give it all to the council towards your care support and this is before the extra cost of having to consume a free-from diet which is significantly more expensive to normal food. For example a 400g of gluten-free bread is on average of £2.99 while you can get a loaf made from wheat that’s twice that size for as little as £1.

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