Fit for Nothing

Saturday 18/5/13 – fit for nothing

By 1pm the nerve pain is so heightened it takes my everything to force my body out to take Daithí for a walk. On returning home and irrigated my non-functioning bowel and crash on the sofa.

Pain so intensely burning and issuing the right side of my body with repetitive electric shocks I am unable to fall asleep even though my body longs for sleep and my mind is in agreement, desperate to be free of this curs’id pain. I am in such turmoil that I want to rip my right side clean off and purge me of the dreadful pain. I wonder if I had the left side of my brain cut away would it make the pain cease as in the end it is the brain that registers the pain?

I have so much to do with the exhibition only a few weeks away and I need to critique the 6 reports from Hyde Martlet and return my feedback by Sunday night, as I will be at the enterprise training Monday. But no amount of will-power or self motivation can force my body into action. I may just face it – the right side of my body it temporarily paralysed by the nerve pain and each time I try to get up from lying down nothing happens – I am stuck here for what feels like eternity and I don’t know when it will end as it is not that I can pop some painkillers and wait for their action to kick in. No I might as well take smarties as painkillers – at least I would enjoy the taste!

Is it not punishment enough to feel as though you are sitting on live wire being electrically shocked every waking moment, while also contending with a severely disfunctioning gut that every time food enters it goes into a frenzy of spasms that feel as though someone is inside you ringing out your gut like a dish cloth, along with reflux, heartburn and nausea meaning forcing down food when your gut is rebelling and telling you it wants to throw up but knowing you must ignore the severe nausea and gut spasming reaction to food or else you will wither away and die, without being punished further by this government for not being well enough to work by cutting a quarter of your annual tax benefit that you must find from your measly incapacity benefit and Disability Living Allowance, supposedly to fund the extra cost of living with chronic ill-health and impairment when in reality you must give it all to the council towards your care support and this is before the extra cost of having to consume a free-from diet which is significantly more expensive to normal food. For example a 400g of gluten-free bread is on average of £2.99 while you can get a loaf made from wheat that’s twice that size for as little as £1.

feeling like the naughty school kid

Wednesday 30/01/13 – always something

“shit!” I just realised I’d left the broken denture back at the flat when we were not far from the dentist’s. How could I be so stupid when the broken denture was the reason for this latest visit? This is what never-ending nerve pain does to your brain – before the pain I was the one who always remembered birthdays but now I forget the most trivial of things.

I had only had the denture fitted a few hours when I dropped it and it broke in two. I was furious with myself. How was it that I have such ’butter-fingers’? I am so quick to fault myself as though I have some form of inherent flaw when what’s to blame is the nerve pain, making my hands tremble as I feel I am being zapped with a tazor gun from the inside.

I sit for almost an hour in the dentist’s waiting room. The wooden benches attached around the walls, might look rather chic but are so dame uncomfortable even for those not already plagued with pain. No matter which way or how much I shift my position the pain I feel in my lower back and right buttock shooting down along the leg into my foot is screaming out at me. I don’t want to stand up even though that is likely to make the pain a tiny bit more bearable.

I daren’t do so, as standing when seats are available tends to attract attention, people urged to enquire as why I am standing. Many seem perplexed when I suggest standing is less painful. People generally believe sitting is a way of resting our weary bodies when tired, in pain or ill. My standing and yet needing a walking stick seems to make people feel uneasy and I start worrying whether they see me as a fraud or trying to act tough. Standing up in front of an empty chair, brings me back to the classroom, made to stand by the teacher for being naughty, if I can’t lean on the back of the chair or a wall, as is the case in my dentist’s waiting room.

I feel my eyes getting droopy and I have to fight the urge of toppling to the floor, having passed out with the pain. Why couldn’t lying be the default and not sitting, when it comes to taking the weight of our feet?

True enough I am only allowed to have the denture repaired on the NHS. Well at least I won’t need come back in person and can have someone drop the broken denture at the surgery to be sent off to the lab. I just hope where they glue it back together is not left with a rough surface as this will feel like sandpaper rubbing my gum due to the hypersensitivity caused by nerve pain.

I get home and have no choice but to lie down and try to sleep for a bit if I was not to pass out. The pain is so in my face I can’t sleep despite trying my hardess to focus on the heat of the wheat-bag I have against my lower back and buttock. I wish someone would hit a blow to my head with a sledge hammer and knock me out cold, only coming round when the pain is that bit more bearable and I have regained some energy to cope with my parasite!