When you think it’s all over!

Just when I allow myself to celebrate that there’s, ‘No more lying in a dental chair having my gums jabbed and having seen the back of the hell my teeth have put me through now they’re all gone’, I find I am once more suffering what seems to be toothache. On looking, I see the white of one side of a wisdom tooth emerging above the surface of my gum but not the other and the gum is all red and swollen. Shit I think – knowing exactly what it means – I’d be back in that bloody dental chair having my nerve pain down my right side pumped through the roof and the right leg and possibly also my right arm buck-leaping in all directions as the spasms grow ever stronger. But hay, what can you do – exactly that, nothing, so the only solution is grabbing the beast by the horns and having the dirty done and dusted; living through the ever intensified pain, knowing, it would pass and return to its base level over time, taking as long as it takes.

Seated in the dental chair, the more the dentist jabs the gum, the more intense the right side painfully spasms and by the time he comes to pulling out the tooth the spasms are so great that my right leg is jiggling and jerking and kicking out at the air and in my mind I hear a repetitive ‘fuck’ sounding out over and over, and I desperately want to bite my lip but that isn’t easy with instruments and fingers stuck in your mouth. All done but I can’t get up as the motor signals between the brain and my right side aren’t getting through, the nerves clogged with impulses of pain leaving the right side temporarily paralysed. It’s a good length of time before I’ve recovered enough control to hobble with help to leave.

All the mouth pain was supposed to be over but now the top denture is digging into the flesh where the gum joins the upper lip giving me blisters that sting, that burn, that jab and a whole lot more so it’s another trip to see my dentist. The staff must be thinking ‘for heaven’s sake she’s not back yet again, is she?’ They will all begin to think I like the place so much I keep returning or even start to believe the running joke that I have a crush on my dentist, even though I swear he’s too old.

Denture trimmed back, I have my dentist look at the white stubbly thing that now appears in what I thought was a mouth ulcer that seemingly isn’t willing to heal. Was it bone or a piece of remaining tooth? To my dismay it’s a piece of root left from an old extraction that hadn’t popped out of the socket of its own accord in the days after the extraction, as expected. It was going to have to come out, meaning being put through hell and back as he injects the gum.

It seems to me that I will never stop sprouting teeth that weren’t there before to the end of my days at this rate. But medics do say I am uniquely unique as I continue to defy science.

Within the hour, as the numbing wears off, I am in absolute agony; it might as well be a toothache. Boy, I pray he hasn’t hit the root canal nerve as it was so very close to where the root imbedded! But no point dwelling on what has passed as if it’s done it’s done and you just have to deal with and continue going forward!

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Pissed-Off

I’m pissed-off that I wake up with such a debilitating throbbing, pounding headache right across my forehead, just above my eyes, along with the feeling of an excessive pressure behind my eyes with something trying to bull-doze my eyes out of their sockets while another force tries to bull-doze them back in. Even a tiny flicker of daylight is like being poked in the eyes with needles so I am obliged to keep them fast shut.

The burning pain spreading out from my nose under my eyes radiates into my ears like ear-ache makes me want to rip my face apart in hope of letting the pain escape.. It is as though my entire head is exploding over and over showing no signs of ending any time soon. I can barely raise my head when my PA arrives with two paracetamol which I know won’t do much but I can’t take Ibuprofen till I eat but I can’t even sit up so I won’t be having breakfast any time soon!

The chilled eye mask doesn’t give much relief as it is on ire in no time soaking up  the intense heat from my body. I feel I’m on fire. It is 10.30am when I finally make it up for breakfast. The intensity of my facial pain is so grave that I can’t think and it takes all my energy to cope with the pain and take forever to finish brakfast.

I have so much to get on with but all I manage is to take a few photos of the ‘locked-in’ sculpture needed to record progress. This takes two hours because my body is only responding at a snail’s pace.

This shouldn’t be happening,   I’m only 35 and many old age pensioners have health enough to do more than I can and that is just not right. I ought to be working and paying my taxes to support the OAP not depending on others’ taxes to enable me to live. It is though I consist of a young head on old granny shoulders/I have the body of an old grannie and the mind of a much younger body. I feel I am a young woman imprisioned in an old grannie’s body, and thus deprived of my free-will to live the life of the younger woman that I am. have so much needing doing and to be getting on but own again my physical body lets me down and prevents me acting on my will and determination to finish the sculpture and work on setting up ‘Lifeline Support’.

It’s so frustrating that just doing the everyday living tasks such as food shopping and walking the dog, that most do on top of paid work and pursuing their interests, is enough to floor me, forcing me to lie down before I fall down my body is so unstable and weak from the extent of the electrical shock like pain that zaps my every cell on the right side of my body. What is even more annoying is that the pain doesn’t ease on giving in and lying down. No, it continues to rage and no amount of trying can I fall asleep as my body cries out for and needs but doesn’t get, instead I am forced to live every moment of my dire pain with no luck that sleep will bring me the escape I so need from what must feel like to be continuously zapped with a tazer gun.

It’s so not fair that I have no physical or mental capacity to venture on with the numerous projects that I so passionately want to push on with.

Should I let complete go of control of the food shopping, handing it over to my PAs while I focus on my interests but then I won’t get the rewards on my Partnership card and the money off vouchers in exchange as I am not going to give my PAs my PIN. How can I tell them what fish I want when that decision usually depends on what fish is on offer that day? Are PAs going to take the care to choose the freshest of the fish, chicken, fruit and vegtables and what if what I request is not there they aren’t going to know what to substitute it with and so end up without anything?

Would online be the answer but I found it took longer online but if I saved my shopping to favourites would that take the hasstle of searching every time? But would delivery cost be more than cost of my petrol, especially as I would be driving by the shops to get to chiro anyhow? Again could I trust the staff choosing my order? Probably less than my PAs I reckon!

And now I need to crash once more

manage to be on time

When I awake in the morning the connection between my brain and right side is broken and I am temporarily paralysed and can’t get out of bed all because my nerve pain has clogged up the network. It takes much mental battling and time to put enough of it back together to get my body moving enough to sit up in bed with the help of my Personal Assistant and then the hard work starts again to find and link the necessary nerves to enable my legs to move and swing my body out of bed. if asked how long this takes all I can say is ‘how long is a piece of string?’ it varies so much, with no identifiable factors that influence the time required. his makes me more often late than not for early morning appointments.
knowing I had a 9.30am appointment I opt to sleep on the sofa hoping to trick my body into thinking it was only napping and must resist the destructive powers of my never pain.  Wow manage to get up shortly after 07.30am and out on time to be at physio for 09.30am – a miracle!  Was sleeping on the sofa in the living room what enabled me to get up without too much battling to reconnect the network of nerves? Was this arousal aided by all the clattering coming from the kitchen? Or was it purely one of my better mornings and the brain and right side had some connection on waking? Do I repeat this tactic again next time or just sleep where I’m supposed to sleep? Sometimes, I wish I didn’t always over-analyse everything!
the physio has me attempt to bring the right side of my pelvis down but not the left. No matter how hard I focus and concentrate my mind on this task, even conjuring up a mental imagine of my right side pressing down and yet my right side just ain’t shifting. There just isn’t a connection. It feels as though I’m trying to use brain power to some innate object sitting away from me. Mentally exhausted in a tiny number of minutes I lose all concentration and my body goes slack! The physio suggests placing a prop under the left side of my pelvis hoping to trick the right side into pressing down independent of the left. That fails too because the moment I try to get the right side to step in line and obey my left side presses down into the prop, till it practically bottoms-out.  So no luck there either.
The physio is good and decides to take a different tactic. I’m to stand tall keeping my posture perfectly straight and kick the right leg out behind me. I get it to do this exercise or so I believed till the physio demonstrated how I achieved this not through the muscles on the right side of my lower back but by leaning my torso forward. So what other ways has my body found that enables me to move the right side without the correct muscles working?
In the end I manage to make the tiniest connection and my right leg shakes and wobbles like jelly. So there is a connection but it will take painstaking amount of effort and practice to strengthen these muscles on the right side of lower back and no guarantee that all my hard work will pay-off. To think there is every possibility that these muscles never get stronger having spent all that time and effort in putting in the hard slog for nothing when I could have used that time and energy undertaking something I wish to do, knowing I will have something to show at the end of it.
I feel a bit like this foal as my leg wobbles!
I empathise with this little fella's struggles

I empathise with this little fella’s struggles

How am I to continue to fight against my inner thoughts of there being no point practicing the exercises due to skepticism at it making any difference – eleven years too late, or it will be in seven more days? I can’t help thinking I’d be better off spending the time doing something I know I can achieve or I enjoy?

Bloody Hell, Scalding Spike Prickly is really Trashing me Tonight

the spiking, burning throbbing in my right buttock and the shooting pain down the back of my leg that turns to pins and needles and spiking pain in my right foot, is harrowing and I can’t bare it. If only I could exorcise my Scalding Spike Prickly by ripping my entire right leg and buttock from my body.

people who don’t know me assume my ruddy cheeks is a sign of glowing health when in reality I am on fire, as though I have a fever, my burning type nerve pain is raging so much, it feels as though I am sitting in the midst of blazing flames wth no way of escape. the worst thing is I never know how long before it calms down, becoming slightly more bareable as no painkiller so much as touches the pain.

nothing I do can distract me from the pain!

if you live with never ending pain check out keeping pace with pain at www.keepingpace.co.uk a pain support group

feeling like the naughty school kid

Wednesday 30/01/13 – always something

“shit!” I just realised I’d left the broken denture back at the flat when we were not far from the dentist’s. How could I be so stupid when the broken denture was the reason for this latest visit? This is what never-ending nerve pain does to your brain – before the pain I was the one who always remembered birthdays but now I forget the most trivial of things.

I had only had the denture fitted a few hours when I dropped it and it broke in two. I was furious with myself. How was it that I have such ’butter-fingers’? I am so quick to fault myself as though I have some form of inherent flaw when what’s to blame is the nerve pain, making my hands tremble as I feel I am being zapped with a tazor gun from the inside.

I sit for almost an hour in the dentist’s waiting room. The wooden benches attached around the walls, might look rather chic but are so dame uncomfortable even for those not already plagued with pain. No matter which way or how much I shift my position the pain I feel in my lower back and right buttock shooting down along the leg into my foot is screaming out at me. I don’t want to stand up even though that is likely to make the pain a tiny bit more bearable.

I daren’t do so, as standing when seats are available tends to attract attention, people urged to enquire as why I am standing. Many seem perplexed when I suggest standing is less painful. People generally believe sitting is a way of resting our weary bodies when tired, in pain or ill. My standing and yet needing a walking stick seems to make people feel uneasy and I start worrying whether they see me as a fraud or trying to act tough. Standing up in front of an empty chair, brings me back to the classroom, made to stand by the teacher for being naughty, if I can’t lean on the back of the chair or a wall, as is the case in my dentist’s waiting room.

I feel my eyes getting droopy and I have to fight the urge of toppling to the floor, having passed out with the pain. Why couldn’t lying be the default and not sitting, when it comes to taking the weight of our feet?

True enough I am only allowed to have the denture repaired on the NHS. Well at least I won’t need come back in person and can have someone drop the broken denture at the surgery to be sent off to the lab. I just hope where they glue it back together is not left with a rough surface as this will feel like sandpaper rubbing my gum due to the hypersensitivity caused by nerve pain.

I get home and have no choice but to lie down and try to sleep for a bit if I was not to pass out. The pain is so in my face I can’t sleep despite trying my hardess to focus on the heat of the wheat-bag I have against my lower back and buttock. I wish someone would hit a blow to my head with a sledge hammer and knock me out cold, only coming round when the pain is that bit more bearable and I have regained some energy to cope with my parasite!