Instantly, I had butterflies and felt I was going to throw up!

I didn’t need to even open the envelope. I just knew from the distinctive dirty brown coloured envelope, the splotchy heavily inked print and the off-white paper, the type that somewhat resembled the yellow tinge of aged old paper that it was from the Dept. of Work and Pensions.

Immediately, I my stomach churned, my gut tightened and I felt I was about to throw up. A shiver ran down my spine and my limbs trembled, panicked that this was it, the dreaded time, I have been worrying about ever since the work assessments began and ill people were being deemed fit for work, of being told that I am being taken off incapacity benefit and income support and must be assessed to determine if I am deemed fit for work, deemed fit for work with support or remain in the category deemed too ill to work.

oh Shit!

oh Shit!

how can a one-off assessment suffice to determine the former when my condition varies so much? I can be able to function reasonably one minute but shortly after lying stretched out in agony, temporarily paralysed!

Part of me wants to leave it unopened, throw it in the bin and pretend I never received it. But, at the same time, I knew the dreaded thing was not going to go away, even if I discarded the curs’d envelope. I also fleetingly wondered but what if I’m panicking over nothing and like all the letters from the DWP I had received in past year or two it had nothing to do with the Capacity to Work Assessment. It could be just telling me the amount of money I would receive each week for the coming Tax year, from April.

Unable to feel in control, till I know what is in the letter, I open it by the front door as Mona removes my shoes for me. It is to be sure the curs’d letter I have been dreading. My heart sinks, as I continue to read, all the time feeling ever more panicked. I need to remind myself to take deep, slow breathes, to stave off hyperventilation and a full-blown panic attack.

Typical, I thought, all the dreaded assessments would come at the same time, when I find it almost impossible to cope mentally with one at a time, even. This Tuesday, 12th March 2013, I am to have my ILF and Social Services care review and  I am dreading being told they have down-graded my level of need and so would be getting less support and worst still, what is to happen come March 2015 when ILF is dissolved? And the capacity to work assessment people are to phone within the next two weeks to verify I am truly who I say I am,  before posting out a thesis of a form, I must fill in immediately asking about my disabilities. But how can a conversation down the telephone be proof enough of me being who I say I am?

Oh, how I sometimes wish I could vanish into thin air, leaving absolutely no trace that I ever did exist to begin with, leaving this world and breaking free of all its unfairness, the greedy rich getting ever richer, with no guilt felt that the poor are getting poorer to maintain their privileged life of greed for the selected few including our govrnment!

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